Birthday Bash
by underhandlilies
Summary: Sephiroth has never celebrated his birthday. For some reason, his friends find this most curious, and begin to act very strange as a result. Crack. Implied S/G and Z/C. Belated birthday fic for hypnoticaa.


**Genres: **Parody. Parody. It might be…humor? I'm not laughing though. THIS IS A SAD DAY FOR US ALL, THE DAY I POSTED THIS.

**Special Conditions: **Heh. So what if it's CLOUD'S birthday? I felt like writing Sephiroth's birthday. _So there._

**How the Idea was created: **…I think I was delirious part of the way. I hate Red Velvet cake.

**Dedication: **HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HYPNOTICAA! YOU'RE LIKE THE FIRST GENESIS I KNEW! :D AND YOU'RE AWESOME AND COOL.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the characters within it. I am gaining no profit from this work of fan-fiction.

**Warnings: **Don't read this fic if you are sane. You have been warned.

**._._._.**

**Birthday Bash**

**An Unexpected Birthday Final Fantasy VII Fan-Fiction**

**._._._.**

"So, Seph," Zack began, lolling about lazily on Sephiroth's desk. "I heard your birthday's coming up."

Sephiroth's head snapped up. "Pardon me?"

Zack grinned cheekily. A canister of pens clattered to the floor as he shifted his leg. "Your _birthday. _You know…the day you were born."

Sephiroth stared at him, blinking twice before lowering his head back to his papers. "Where did you happen to hear that?"

"A little bird told me," Zack said absently, leaning over and wrapping Sephiroth's hair around his finger. "So…you doing anything?"

"Paperwork," Sephiroth said.

"No no, for your _birthday."_

"…no."

"Aw, c'mon! Why not?"

Sephiroth frowned, tugging his hair out of Zack's fingers. "I don't know how these…birthday parties…work."

Zack froze. Suddenly, he was up in Sephiroth's face, mouth agape, hands flailing.

"You've never had a birthday party?" he squeaked.

Sephiroth swatted him with his pen. "No."

"What, is that some sort of religious thing?"

Sephiroth frowned. "No."

"Never danced around to stupid songs?"

"No."

"You've never gotten mountains of useless presents?"

"…no."

Zack made a gruesome, horrified face. "No _cake_?"

Sephiroth gave him a flat, albeit curious look. Shaking his head, Zack hopped down from Sephiroth's desk and, without another word, disappeared through the door.

._._._.

"I heard your birthday is coming up," Genesis started off in the cafeteria. Sephiroth frowned, glancing sidelong at him, but Genesis was apparently too busy shining an apple to care.

"What of it?" he asked, picking up an apple of his own.

Genesis huffed. "Well, usually we are _of _the custom of giving invitations to our _one true love_ on such important occasions as birthdays, anniversaries and funerals, but if that does not _suit _you…"

Sephiroth shot him a curious look. "Invitations?"

Genesis stared at him. "Yes, love. Those little cards that flip open and tell you the time and location of a party, as well as date and cause of death."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "What party?"

"…Sephiroth, this is not the time to joke."

"I assure you, I am not joking."

"Well, everyone has a _birthday _party, don't they?"

Sephiroth frowned. "I am not sure I understand the importance of the 'birthday party', as you and Fair continue to allude to it."

Genesis was gaping now. "You've _never _had a birthday party?"

Sephiroth's eyebrow hiked higher. "…no…?"

Genesis stared at him. Still staring, he made his way to the cafeteria door, where he bumped into Zack. A few hushed words were exchanged, and with some conspicuously inconspicuous glances in Sephiroth's general direction, they left together.

Sephiroth had the vague feeling that he should have been jealous, or maybe immediately gone after the two to make sure that Genesis hadn't developed a sudden intimacy with Zack.

Instead, though, he sat down and ate his apple.

._._._.

Angeal didn't even bother with the preamble. "You've never had a birthday party, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth, by this time, sighed. "No."

Angeal frowned, resting his elbow on the dryer and squashing his chin into it. He had the thoughtful air about him of a shrink. "I know that life in the labs was tough, Sephiroth, but not having a birthday party? That's just…dishonorable."

Sephiroth hummed, not necessarily in agreement, and frowned at the two choices of soap. Was _Midgar's Best _really laundry detergent? After the little Turk switch-up with the dishwashing liquid and laundry detergent, he couldn't quite remember.

A horrified look suddenly crossed Angeal's face, and with a sputter, he lurched forward. "Did you even _celebrate _your birthday, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth frowned, pausing in the middle of pouring—hopefully the correct soap—into his load. "I…received cards. Cheap ones." He cut himself off, thinking. One year, he'd received a check, but if he remembered correctly, Hojo quickly took it back as 'diaper pay', whatever that meant. But were for his _birthday_, or for something else?

Angeal stared at him. "Only cards? Did you know what they were for?"

Sephiroth thought hard. "They had little rabbits on them, if I remember correctly. And one time, a rotund old man."

Angeal stared at him some more. Sephiroth tried hard to ignore him as he set about folding his already dried clothes, but it was rather hard.

Finally, Angeal got up (at least he actually mumbled an excuse) and set off for the door.

Sephiroth pretended not to notice or care about the entire whispered conversation with Genesis at the door.

._._._.

Possibly the most embarrassing thing for the Silver General to be caught doing-besides being caught kissing Genesis in the janitor's closet-was lugging his laundry back upstairs. There was nothing intimidating about carrying a huge bag full of underwear over your shoulder, even if you had the legendary scowl to go with it. Zack had called him Santa Clause once, and promptly regretted it. Afterwards, however, Sephiroth had taken to doing his laundry at ungodly hours, when he knew that no one else would be in the elevator with him.

Or so he thought.

Because when the doors slid open this time, hovering by the number pad was a small, blond cadet. He had been chewing his lip, either in thought or nervousness, but when he saw Sephiroth, he hurriedly straightened up, snapping a salute. Sephiroth saw a flash of a name tag-Cloud Strife.

"Sir!"

"At ease," Sephiroth sneered—with as much sneer as someone holding a full bag of laundry could muster, anyways. He leaned over, pressing his button. The cadet shuffled into his own corner. There was silence. Sephiroth noted in no little disgust that the boy was going to be on for quite a bit of the ride. With more disgust, he noticed that he smelled like laundry detergent.

A few floors were passed in silence, until the blond boy next to him gingerly cleared his throat.

"Um…sir?"

Sephiroth's eyes snapped down to Cloud's face.

"So…I, heh…I heard your birthday's coming up."

Sephiroth's gaze turned acidic.

Cloud got off a floor sooner than he should've, smelling of laundry detergent and shaking all over. Sephiroth took a few deep breaths to calm himself, holding the door open just in case he _did _decide to run after the cadet with Masamune after all. Before he could, however, Zack appeared around the corner, whispered something to the boy, and carted him away.

._._._.

The strange questions regarding birthday parties suddenly ceased after that, and likewise, Sephiroth allowed it to slip his mind. His birthday was coming up, but none of his work ceased. He ate, slept, trained, observed new recruits, went out on missions, and consoled a frantic Genesis that he _was _in love with him. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Still…

After a bit, Sephiroth found himself wondering about this mysterious thing called a 'birthday party'. Why was it such a big deal, anyways? No one had ever found importance in informing him about it, so he didn't _believe _that it was very, very urgent. Maybe just another thing that everyone found interesting, that wasn't interesting in the least. Sephiroth even tried Moogling it, but nothing came up except for party stores.

His friends, also, had taken to asking him strange questions—almost out of context.

"Hey, Seph," Zack said, leaning on the counter. He was about to die a painful death if he knocked over the fruit basket. "What's your favorite color?"

Sephiroth stilled from where he was taking off his boots, scowling. "Color?"

"Yeah. You kinda strike me as a…well…" Zack squinted seriously at him. "A _puce _guy. Yeah. _Yeah. _Am I right? I'm right, right?"

Sephiroth stared at him, his hand reaching for Masamune. Oblivious of his coming doom, Zack sighed. "You don't have a favorite color? Why do you always wear black, then?"

Sephiroth would have snorted. "It is easiest to clean and maintain."

Zack rolled his eyes. "Well, we can always go with pink." And he left it at that.

Curious.

"What's your favorite kind of cake, Sephiroth?" Angeal asked. Sephiroth looked up absentmindedly.

"I don't eat cake," he said blandly. With that, he delivered a last stroke of the whetstone to Masamune, admiring the new sheen.

"No one has ever _not _eaten cake," Angeal said back. The Buster Sword was already polished and laid off to the side, giving Angeal free room to lean in close to Sephiroth, eyes narrowed. "You don't even know a kind? Red Velvet? Yellow? Chocolate?"

Sephiroth thought. "I've had Red Velvet."

Angeal brightened. "Really?"

"A little brash, excitable, tastes lovely, and all together, I am unable to live without him," Sephiroth continued, tucking Masamune back into its sheath.

Angeal sagged. "You wouldn't happen to be talking about Genesis, would you?"

A little later, in the training room, after a long, heavy round of sparring, Genesis and Sephiroth lay together amicably. Genesis' hair was plastered to his forehead as he gave great dramatic gasps, and amusedly, Sephiroth reached over, brushing it back from his forehead and leaning in to kiss him. Genesis smiled at him.

"What's your favorite party game?"

Sephiroth blinked, pausing inches away. "Party game?"

Genesis rolled his eyes, idly stroking Sephiroth's arm. "You know. Pin the Tail on the Jumping. Bobbing for dumbapples. That sort of thing."

Sephiroth frowned. "I don't know. I haven't thought of that." Leaning away from Genesis, he sat back on his heels.

"I just asked, I didn't mean for you to _stop_," Genesis whined. "Just forget I asked and _kiss me_!"

But the literal mood had been shifted. Sephiroth was curious now. "What other party games are there?"

Genesis, huffy now, answered a question with a question. "You mean you've never played party games, at _all_?"

Sephiroth's blank look answered all.

Curiouser.

After curfew, Sephiroth answered to a knock on his door, coming face to face with an incredibly terrified, incredibly familiar cadet.

"Sir!" he squeaked. "It's Fair's fault!"

That paused Sephiroth in the drawing of Masamune, and he deigned to nod his head. Relieved, Strife blurted out his question in a rush.

"What color party hats would you prefer, sir?"

Sephiroth face creased, once again, into a frown, and he leaned down to Cloud's level. Instinctively, Cloud flinched, reminding him again, "It's _Fair's _fault."

"To be sure," Sephiroth said. "What is a party hat?"

Cloud shuffled nervously. "It's…a hat, sir. That you wear to parties."

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed.

The next followed a harrowing amount of time, during which Sephiroth dragged a terrified Cloud Strife to his home office and made him look up exactly _what _party hats looked like. All during this time, he kept Masamune unsheathed.

No, he was not at all a sadist. He was not taking sadistic pleasure in causing Cloud strife.

"Now, explain what a party hat is," Sephiroth said grimly.

"I told you, sir," Cloud said, near tears now, "It's a hat that you wear to parties. That's all."

Sephiroth gave him a long look, before finally saying, "Black."

"Black, sir?"

"The color. Black," Sephiroth said.

"If…If I may say so, sir, black seems hardly a color to-"

Masamune was spun. Cloud quickly swallowed his tongue. "I mean, black is an excellent color, sir. Nothing at all wrong with black."

Yes, all right. Sephiroth enjoyed leading the boy on and pushing his buttons.

Even if he had absolutely no idea what he had been talking about.

These questions—though amusing, in Cloud's case—were perplexing, especially when they once again ceased. Now entered the stage of military plotting. Sephiroth could put on a pretty good show of it, but he was in no way oblivious. Zack and Cloud, it seemed, were together—in more than just plotter and victim, if the hand on Cloud's lower back had anything to do with it. They were inseparable, always turning the corner just when Sephiroth was walking down a hallway, or staring at him in the cafeteria. It was annoying. One time—just in a fit of having enough—he'd purposefully walked in on Zack and Cloud having a juvenile, romantic moment. An irritated protest and high-pitched shriek later, and the strange occurrences slowed.

Genesis had abruptly stopped talking to him, instead deigning to sit next to Angeal during company meetings, activities, and in the truck during missions. Sephiroth wasn't worried about, as some of the company was snickering, losing his love to another person. Rather, this was annoying too. It was especially irritating when all four of them, Angeal and Genesis, Zack and even Cloud, were huddled together in a hallway. Angeal, Genesis and Zack were the ones most avidly conversing, with Cloud hovering uncomfortably in the corners, looking out of place. Sephiroth felt…well, not exactly left out.

One look at him, though, and they all gave brilliant smiles and scattered to all points of the compass. Genesis's red coat went swishing around one corner. Angeal ducked into the stairwell. Zack grabbed Cloud and pulled him into the janitor's closet—for more reasons than Sephiroth just coming around the corner, though, if Cloud's sudden embarrassed squeal had anything to do with it.

How _juvenile_. The whole of them. Sephiroth was the only one who had grown up, it seemed.

Still, he didn't have time to be hurt. There were still missions to go on, monsters to fight, and standards to be upheld. Even if his days were a little emptier with Zack not draping itself over his desk, and Genesis' apparent lovers' tiff over something, he could still carry on quite nicely.

._._._.

The day of Sephiroth's birthday itself, what with all of the hoopla before, was completely, eerily quiet. He received one 'Get Well Soon' card from Hojo, with a hastily written 'Happy Birthday' inside it.

The cheapskate.

There was also another mysterious check, though this time, Sephiroth hid it in his dishwasher as soon as it arrived. He was sure Hojo wasn't going to think to put his fingers in _there_. Other than that—one measly, automatic congratulations from the company, and how they hoped he wouldn't die for years to come.

On his couch in the living room, sifting through all his mail, Sephiroth didn't feel anything other than an eerie shiver. Though it was disappointing in that, no matter how important this 'birthday party' was, there was no word at all from his friends regarding his yearly step-up, it was no matter. It was a normal day.

Surprisingly, on his way to the office, the hallway seemed to be devoid of anyone. No Fair, no Angeal… not even Genesis, who, admittedly, popped up in the strangest of places.

When he reached his office, his _secretary_ wasn't even there. Instead, there were the clear signs of a struggle, complete with coffee stains, pens askew, and a lot of glitter.

The lights were off in his office. Sephiroth's eyes narrowed.

Well…he wasn't General for nothing.

Striding across, he placed his ear against the door and listened. Carefully, his hand inched up, curling around the doorknob. He turned it.

Unlocked.

Slowly, he drew Masamune, ready for a fight. He wouldn't alert backup yet. It was _his _office. Like he wasn't going to go down without a fight.

Taking a deep breath, Sephiroth opened the door, held Masamune out in front of him, and prepared to cut and slash.

Immediately, the lights flashed on. Sephiroth's pupils dilated, trying to keep up with the sudden lighting change and still remain in control.

"Surprise!"

There was the obnoxious sound of a trumpet. Something fell in sheets from the ceiling.

Sephiroth blinked.

There, in the middle of his office, were his missing friends…and cohort, if Cloud could really be called that. Genesis was leaning on Angeal with a triumphant grin, which Angeal likewise imitated. Zack had a horn of some sort clamped between his lips and was draped over Cloud, who was trying hard to look as happy as the lot of them. They were standing on the only clear space left on Sephiroth's previously crème rug; everywhere else was now completely drenched in black. Black streamers hung from the ceilings, across the walls, and from Sephiroth's weapons rack. Black glitter was everywhere. Sephiroth's secretary was trussed up on his office chair in the corner, her mood just black enough to match her surroundings.

Sephiroth blinked again, reaching up and running his hand through his hair. It came out black with glitter.

Well.

Zack peered at him anxiously, talking around the horn still in his mouth. "Um…Happy Birthday?"

When the awkward silence continued, Genesis snorted, pushing up off of Angeal and walking towards Sephiroth. "We planned you a surprise birthday party, since you didn't seem to have much experience with it."

"I made cake," Angeal said helpfully.

"And Cloudy and I got you presents!" Zack said. He gestured towards the stormy secretary in the corner. "Not her, though. If you want, we can auction her off."

"We got party games," Genesis said, stretching languidly. "If you would like to play, we could start right now."

Sephiroth blinked, walking past him and to his desk. Stacked on the top, wrapped in everything from aluminum foil to candy wrappers, was an array of presents. There were cards too, written in a number of different hands.

"You're actually quite popular, if you'd deign to tell everyone what your birthday is."

"You did this for me?" Sephiroth asked. As an afterthought, he sheathed Masamune, much to Cloud's relief.

"Duh. It's not like its Hojo's birthday."

Sephiroth frowned. "So…" he gestured vaguely with his hands. "This is a birthday party?"

Zack grinned. "Yup! And we're going to teach you exactly how to go about doing it—the proper way."

._._._.

A harrowing game of "Pin the Chocobo Beak" on Cloud, bobbing for dumbapples, and Cloud's utter hysterics at the death of the Moogle piñata, Sephiroth had settled on his office chair with a plate of Red Velvet, with his minions on the floor at his feet.

All, right, Zack and Cloud at his feet. Genesis was perched on the desk, and Angeal was trying to convince the secretary not to sue once this was all over.

"So, Seph." Genesis leaned forward, smirking. "Have a good birthday?"

Sephiroth smirked back, pecking him on the cheek. "You taste better than Red Velvet any day." Which might have meant 'yes'.

"What do you mean, _Reno's_ birthday is next week?" Cloud said, looking close to tears again.

"Aw, c'mon, Cloud. Just go with it." Zack grinned. "Besides. Now that Sephiroth knows how a birthday party works, he can help us out."

Cloud looked up at Sephiroth. Sephiroth leveled a perfectly evil smirk back at him.

The cycle began again.

._._._.

**I'm not even going to request reviews. Just…yeah. Pretend I wasn't here.**

**A/N: **Heh. Happy Birthday, **hypnoticaa**! Thanks for being there for me since Grossology, giving me tips, for idea swapping and being patient with me being as slow and passive as a slow passive slug. :) I owe you big. I'm sorry this couldn't be an epic, cool, long fic; I _swear _as soon as I find my muse, you'll get the awesome fic that this should've been.

I just didn't want to let another week go by without posting your birthday fic. Sorry it's a week late already. D:

ANYWAYS. For anyone else who might come across this, I extend a sincere hand of apology. I can't remember writing half of this between the healthy pop-tarts and the food poisoning. If you did get through it, I love you for life, though I'm still embarrassed as heck. What was this? What was this? I wrote a monster.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HYPPIE. GOING TO POST THIS BEFORE I CRY.

NO, I AM NOT LOOPY RIGHT NOW. MY EYES ARE JUST BLOODSHOT AND I LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE.


End file.
